70.3 kgs

I saw the number on the weight scale and was so ashamed. Ashamed I let go, lost control and didn’t stay healthy and maintain the weight loss I had worked so hard to achieve.

No point crying over it though. So I now need to correct and get back on track and need to take some steps and actions:

1. Stop alcohol consumption – started already and will continue for 3 months.
2. Complete bbg2 – already started week 1 –  which mean i will complete 12 weeks before my birthday
3. no junk food. no matter what. no junk food at all. only healthy food. no biscuits/no chocolates/no mints/no candy/no chips/no fried food (Even if homemade) / no sugar/ no Starbucks/no sugar
4. 2 runs per week – 5k minimum
5. only 2 coffee per day

I will turn 31 this year and I remember last year I started training with a personal trainer and I told her I could not bear to feel this way when I turn 30, and from then to now I had 1 year, 1 year to improve and its sad that I have not.

It was a year of turmoil and I accept I went bizzare. But now  I feel like time passes anyway, its upto you to make use of it or to make excuses. It will still pass by you, whether you are working out or not, whether you still are far away from your goal, it keep passing. So make everyday a chance to move towards that goal.

I want to wear my LBD on my birthday and look sexy. But that is wanting and wanting, but how much am I willing to work on it.

The fact is I dont feel comfortable in this body weight and shape.

Everytime I feel weak I will think about how this makes me feel and how a happy and fit body will make me feel.

Wish me luck.

 

Quick Recap on progress

-I completed BBG Round 1 in 2015 & saw some changes, not a lot, not sure.

-Went to India for 1 month vacation and hogged like a pig. Ate way too much and always from outside. Sweets/fried/ u name it.

-Came back and started BBG Round2 – I am on week 8 now.

-Since being back food has been in control, except for last week, which was a total emotional hog out week, I ate chips and chocolate and sweet and crap

-I am back to normal eating and need to keep my goals in check

-I leave for another vacation in 2 weeks and have to challenge myself to continue BBG on vacay.

-Goals – well they are not pushing me enough I dont know why. Maybe i need to redefine my goals. or take a different approach to it. not sure.

 

 

Progress update – 9 weeks BBG

So I have completed 9 weeks out of total 12 weeks BBG program and its time to share progress results.

Being completely honest I have not seen much progress in pictures I take, only progress I saw was the below bra tyre were reduced.

I had been eating clean for long time 4-5 weeks, but then has a few chocolate binges, then a gap of 1 week from program and in that week I ate everything unhealthy like chips, the following week I got back into program but eating was still not 100% on track (my sister was visiting and we ate pizza 3 days and other days ate out). Now I am again getting back in eatig clean, but still few slips here and there.

How do I feel? Strong YES but not slim yet. I know I want to be in this for the long run and not take the easy way out of over cardio, but funny thing is it is still quite tempting for me.

As I start week10 today, I can proudly say I can do 15burpees at a go, so jump lunges more easily, push up also are getting better. So that is progress too! I take smaller breathers within my circuit time and am making time to cover all sessions. Although LISS (Low intensity steady something) meaning normal heart rate cardio…is still a hit / miss case. Sometimes on track and sometimes not!

What I have decided is that I will continue with BBG once I am on 1 month vacation in India. After all I plan to eat all my favorite food while I am there so it makes sense to keep the workout going.

It is hard to motivate yourself when you dont see the physical change happening, but in all honesty I have not been 100% with clean eating too, so I have to take part of the blame.

One positive thing is my weight on starting bbg was 69.4kg and last I checked on 30th October was 65kg, that is 4.4kg down in 8 weeks. Not bad eh! 🙂 But the later weight was taken on different machine, however it is indication it is going down. Ok. I actually didn’t realize this until I wrote this down, right now!  So that would be 2.25 down in 1 month. Wohoo!

Ok so now I am excited. If I continue, then before I go home I would have lost 7kgs. Nice!! I hope that is seen when I get home. But again I am relying my happiness on what other people say about my body and that is not right. I know I am making efforts to change my lifestyle and that should matter most. My opinion and effort.

I wonder how some people find it so easy to achieve ideal weight or body, but it has not been easy for me. However this time I am taking something I can own for long run and incorporate in my life. Some results will really help me stay motivated and keep going strongly though.

Also added some new goals for myself on this page… more realistic… rewards for each goal. Hmm….yet to decide! 😉

Happy and healthy living everyone!

A different approach towards a better life!

I am back on my fitness plans and intend to keep it that way. I have moved away from calorie restriction and excessive cardio and started a new program BBG (bikini body guide), however that is not my goal, but maybe in process I will achieve it.

I am eating clean for 3 weeks now , with minor sweet intake sometimes, or dark chocolate, and yesterday ate 2 pizza slices and some pasta , but that’s ok. I have week working out 3 times week on resistance circuits and 2 days of normal low intensity cardio. I feel good. I don’t feel bloated. I have lot of energy and I don’t feel restricted from food either.

The day I started my weight was 69.4. Yes…i was down to 56.4 once…and it is 13kg up. I was embarrassed but more than that it showed me that it was not the right way to maintain, if any health routine makes me swing so much between weight then it is either not suitable for my lifestyle or not healthy.

In 2 weeks I am down to 68.4. I am feeling strong and eating food. Good food. mostly beans and eggs and quinoa and lots of veggies.

I will continue this journey as my goal now is to be in good share at end of 3 months (BBG1 total course) and that is also when I go to India for vacation. I dont want to feel embarrassed about having gained weight and hear that from everyone. Once there I will continue the BBG1 round2.

I want something that I can keep in my routine and this is only 28minutes of workout 3 times a week. Along with good food. healthy food.

The food actually is a lot to eat. And most of times I cant get it all in my 1 day meal. But I eat as much as  I feel and not force anything.

I am quite sure this will be the one that stays!!

When your pants get torn – you need to change!!

Sad and funny but true! Last week at work I was wearing my usual black trousers and I went to the washroom to do my business, just as I was stepping out I looked in the mirror and saw something at my behind, I touched it to see that my trouser was torn -about half a inch – around the back pocket seam. OMG!!! I was so shocked. My behind has not increased to gigantic sizes but let me say this it is not the small tiny thing that it used to be.

Well, I am not completely taking ownership of the torn pants, they were bought in sale over a year ago and have been used to the limit of abuse, but still, they were torn.

I had to pull out my tucked in shirt and cover it all day. Later even had to travel to meet some new people.. in the same torn pants!!

What a disaster!

But its true. Even though I was on excessive workout and limiting calories previously, I loved how I looked, how my tiny dresses fit me, how my behind was perfect. I want to use all my clothes and make that my natural size. Where I am right now is not natural for my body and height. I have too much fat layers and not enough lean muscle. I know that. I eat away my emotions and I have turned to be lazy where I could be active.

If I think about it, I overthink food. My basic eating habits are not clear. Maybe that is something I need to find and make now. Ya after 30years, I decide how I want to eat and live. lol!

But it is time to focus on leading healthy life. changing my binge ways and accepting that food no matter how tasty will never make my problems go away or make me feel happy for long. It has to be good nutrition to keep my body and brain fit.

So here is the plan.No more shortcuts. No more false promises.

No more junk.

No more emotional eating.

No more over thinking.

Just making the healthy choice in each meal is my plan. every meal I eat, I will make the healthy choice.

I am going to the gym too and maybe get back with my trainer. I will eat as much as I can and not force it down my throat. I will do runs regularly to keep my stamina. I will swim to get better at it and learn the new tricks. I will enjoy weights and challenge myself with them. I will think and imagine healthy. I will take a boxing class.

Debloating & detoxifying are my goals.

Eat fresh healthy as much as possible.

It is not failure, until you give up!

I am still finding my way to a fit and healthy lifestyle and it has not been easy at all. With all the emotional turmoils in my life and sadness and ugly binge habits coming back. I did loose track of what I wanted to achieve and why did I start this in first place.

As hard as it is to say I fell off the wagon. But truth be told I don’t want to be on any wagon. I want this is to be as easy as breathing or if not easy then as necessary and regular. ”This” being fitness regime.

In June I started working with a personal trainer and we started new fitness routine and diet. HIIT strength training and diet – cannot call it a diet as it is ”too much food”. Well I tried to fit it all in, but maybe didnt get there 100%. We continued till mid june, about 4 weeks with 2 sessions each week average. I did see progress in my stamina and able to do the routine non stop too.

But then some events happened in my life, that threw me off my game. My personal life was in wreck and I didn’t turn to exercise to relive stress, instead I turned to food filled with sugar and oil and harmful stuff. I stopped gym for about 3 weeks and only ate, cried and slept. I kept feeling that some workout will help, I should go for run or swim, but couldn’t get myself to go. The easiest way was to slide into bed and imagine all this never happened and when it made me feel worse I ate chocolates and chips. But that did not make me feel better either, so I slept, only to wake up feeling worse physically and emotionally.

I have not been good to myself and can hold only myself responsible. Whenever in stress I punish my body by treating it like I did over past few weeks and I really want to change this nasty and destructive trait. I want to turn to breaking some sweat and tire my body and tell myself I deserve to take care of myself, even though everything around me is collapsing. It is not easy and probably will never be easy. But I am proud that I am still in the game and have not given up on myself.

I started gym again yesterday without my personal trainer because she is on holiday. I feel sore today and still I am happy.

You may not be at your goal weight or shape, but the fact that you are moving towards it, even if 1 day at a time, that is the game changer and inspiration.

I feel I am also slowly changing my attitude towards fitness, it is slowly moving away from reaching a goal weight or dress size and my thoughts are focusing on continuing it as a lifestyle.

Change is hard, but the only constant in life! 🙂

Hope you are still in the game too!

New 4 month Goals!

I have been whining about my weight forever now and it does not help in anyway. What I need to do is get back on track and make some goals, realistic goals, that will help me keep track. Also I dont want to make a 1 year plan, coz that is not motivating me anyway, I need something more short term, but not fastrack, so I am thinking 4 months is good goals period as it it not too long to loose focus and it has an event associated to it that is my 30th birthday. Damn if I still feel stupid and fat on my 30th birthday I would not know how to get over it.

The goals for next 4 months:

1. Wear my LBD after 4 months. I used to wear it when my mid-waist was 28″, sot here you go. 2inch waist trim in 4 months.

2. Workout 5 times a week. without fail.

3. No binges on rest days.

4. Sugar – no sugar in tea/coffee. Exception: my mom will make send some sweets this month and only 1 allowed each day.

5. No keeping biscuits/crackers etc at home, coz I always end up eating them too much.

6. think positive thoughts, like I love my body and I have a flat and toned stomach. Need to replace negative thoughts with positives.

7. Never loose focus. It is only 4 months. I can get there. Remind myself of this. 4 months to change my lifestyle and then see difference that I want.

8. Remind myself of how strong my willpower is. I keep forgetting it. I can do anything I want. and I want this.

9. Make healthy living a priority.

Enough goals for me. I need to reduce 2 inches of body fat in 4 months. I dont care much about weight on scale but the shape of my body has to change.

Wish me luck!

Back to 65.7kg!

With a heavy heart and heavy body I have to admit my weight is 65.7kg! I am so mad at myself and so upset at the same time. I don’t how I let this happen. Well I do know! I ate wrong food for a long time, then got out of habit of exercise and then starting eating whatever I wanted whenever I wanted.

Why is this so difficult? I see people do these things all the time, get into shape, change their lifestyle. What am I doing wrong?

Well one of the things is that something is triggering me to vent out on food. It’s the emotional need to feel good or some sense of feeling sad over not being the same size, but I am reaching out to food like it will cure how I feel. It won’t I know.

The sad thing is that I still work out and I don’t see changes. Of course I cant because I am eating wrong. Sometimes I eat healthy entire day only to collapse into binge at dinner. Sometimes its a good workout week and 80% healthy food, and then there is weekend spoiler with too much sugar and fried stuff.

Truth be told I have resisted myself so much that now everything seems like treasure to eat. And all of sudden food has become so important. I put away my worries munching away those chips or nuts.

I know better than this. I have been better than this.

I hate to see the tummy bulge and clothes not fitting or almost seams bursting. I hate it all.

But something is missing. I don’t have that motivation or energy to be restricted like before. Actually my energy level has dripped big time. I get tired after work , which is just siting on desk and working. I can’t bring myself to make a goal. It is there on the upper limit, get fit by September (the 30 year), but nothing closer.

I cant think of what I want to weight or what my stats should be, because I am doubting if I can do it, since I already did it once and lost it. Also I somehow feel I cant do all that cardio overdose again, which is silly.

In my mind I am also fighting the thoughts of cardio versus weight training. But I know what the truth is, exercise has never been hard for me to do, but food control has always been hard.

It’s just that I am not used to controlling what I want to eat, which is mostly not the most healthy stuff. And also my portion is not in control. This does not come naturally to me but I need to learn it and make it my lifestyle and not just for some few months and then let loose.

I really have to think about my goals. Something that really makes me want to do this and it cannot be ”how bad I feel when I am not healthy eater”, because that guilt comes(after a meal) and goes (before a meal). It has to be something more profound, like when I started running, I really wanted to test my capability and see if I can do this.

I do want a hot body and look and feel my best, but for some reason it is not holding to be a strong reason / motivator. Its fading away so fast (every weekend in my case). Maybe because I have wanted this for so long and now when I look back to being 56kg (9kg less from now), still even at that point in my life  my goal was to loose more weight. So it seems like no matter how much I loose I will still keep wishing for it and maybe that is what makes it a dead end/wall to me.

I need to think hard and get something more deep into this. The only strong feeling I know now is that I want to change. I really want to. Change this pattern, change my thoughts and change my ways of super high fitness and crashing into lows of laziness.

It will take me sometime to figure it out. Wish me luck!

Almost in tears!

I admit I am on the verge of crying at this very moment! i measured myself this morning, I had planned to do this before the weekend when I went to visit V but forgot about it. The idea was to do 3 weeks of good training and then see results. But what I saw today has made me sad. I remembered my measurements from the time before my mom visited, back in June 2014, and today morning I saw 2 inches increase in my bust, empire line, mid waist & lower waist & 1.5 inch increase in biceps. I am so unhappy! It could have been 2 inches decrease if I had been on track.

I know its not fair to compare myself to 6 months back, when I know 3 months, June to August I hardly worked out and ate out too much or all wrong things. And after my mom left it was so stressful for me , all I was constantly thinking was ”I have put on weight” and that is exactly what I see today. I know how the law of attraction works, and still I have thought this thought and brought this on myself. I feel like such a fool!

I can’t help thinking how great I would have been feeling if it was 2 inches decrease instead of increase.

My current stats are:

Bust : 35

Empire line : 30

Mid waist : 31

Lower waist : 35

Biceps: 12

it used to be 33,28,28,33,10.5.

I am ashamed of myself.

Does weight training make you add inches initially ? (I don’t think it should)

But I am also confused. I have been working out since September 2014 and its December now. 3 months and I am growing in size. I had thought I would be back to being slim by this time. I am scared to even go and check my weight. And I know I will get depressed if it is more than last time.

What is different in my workout since before June?

– I am doing more weight training now

-Cardio is limited to 2-3 times a week, instead of 4-5 times previously

-Food is not in check. I am eating what I feel like, the casual sweet, sugar in coffee (although I stopped starbucks), quantity of dinner has increased I feel more hungry after weight training, I added avocado salad to lunch in addition to what I was already eating, I started eating eggs, sometimes 2 a day sometimes 1 and I never manage to throw away the yolk I always eat it, I have however been eating oats in breakfast on alternate days. The binge always happens when I visit V, especially coz I take a lot of things for him and end up eating most of it myself.

I will start maintaining a food log.

I heard the words today..

As much as I have been telling myself that it’s OK I will get back to a slim stomach and figure, I have ignored or pushed away how my body felt and how I felt (heavier and not so lean), I was still holding on to the fact that people have not told that to my face yet. I even laughed about it with a friend.

But today it happened, an old colleague met me in the cafeteria and said ”You have become fat”. I said ”Really?? I think its the haircut coz my face looks so round now”, but he said ”No, definitely you have become fat”. All hopes and dreams were crushed in that moment. I faced the UGLY TRUTH of my bad food habits. It was a guy who said this, so I can’t even just say ”she’s probably jealous”. Well, its not a nice feeling. I remember the feeling when people told me ”You have lost weight! You look so good!”. I want that again.

I went to visit V this weekend, and sadly I ate a lot of unhealthy stuff, chocolates, chips. It was bad! I have to learn to get over these things or atleast control it.

I am working out regularly and just this morning I felt a little change in my shape, I felt a little slim and then in afternoon I heard ”you have become fat”. Well this fellow has last seen me in September and maybe he felt the same way then too but never said it. Anyways I will stick to my weight training with alternating cardio days.

This week its 3 days split weights with 2 cardio days. And next week it will be 2 days split with 2 cardio sessions. Also I am visiting V next weekend, and I promise I will be good to my self.

For all the efforts I put into working out, I should know better than eating junk food, more like hogging.

Waiting for when I feel slim again.

The funny thing is I am not fat I know that, but I’m not at my best look. And that is what people notice too I guess. They have seen me look better and I want to keep it that way too. Be my best!